Mirror, Mirror On the Wall

Honesty in answering these questions is key. Go on..answer them; I’ll wait.

Building relationships has a lot to do with building yourself up first. How can you care about someone if you don’t care about yourself? More importantly, how will you know who you want to surround yourself with if you don’t really know who you are? It is true, that often times we learn more about ourselves by the people we hang out with. It’s ok if you don’t know completely who you are or where you want to be, but it’s good to have a general idea at least. How is this helpful in building strong relationships, you ask?

To begin with, we can’t expect to gain something from others that we don’t give ourselves. One of the top things that people demand is respect. That goes with the saying, “You don’t have to like me, but you should respect me.” Most of us heard an adult or someone of authority say this when we were younger. However, you have to maintain respect for yourself before you can expect it from others. The way you carry yourself, the language you use, the clothes you wear and much more all represent the amount of respect you have for yourself. Appearance is just one piece of the attraction puzzle–and when I say attraction, I don’t just mean those of the opposite sex who may be attracted to you, as people attract friends as well.

Here’s an example: a woman who wears a small amount of clothes exposing her body has very little reason to get upset when a man sends a cat call her way or watches her inappropriately. I see this too often on high school and college grounds. If she feels confident (or popular, attractive, etc) in what she’s wearing, that’s one thing, but how confident is she in her security within herself? What is the reason behind her dressing this way to begin with? How comfortable is she really with all the attention she’s getting. For some, there’s no problem at all and the attention and comments are welcomed, but for some, the stares and sometimes disrespect can become too much.

Plain and simple, know who you are and how you want to be portrayed BEFORE you ask something of others. How you see yourself is not always how others see you, but in a many cases it is. If how you see yourself is a reflection of the media around you and not your true desires, you can only expect so much from the people looking at you. Respect your opinion of yourself over others’ view of you. People seem to be more accepting of those who accept themselves.

This same advice applies to dating. Asking for a self-motivated, secure and independent person when you, yourself, do not portray these qualities is bottom line, unfair. A relationship involves giving and taking with a good amount of both being acted out on both ends. I went to a variety of relationship forums during my undergraduate career and one thing I learned from both males and females is they they want someone to complement them just as they are.

Who doesn’t want a nice complIment every now and then? It makes us feel good about who we are and what we’re doing. At the same time, everyone could use someone who complEments them in someway either as a friend or more. The word compliment involves an I–in this case, a person who wants a compliment is thinking in terms of this is what “I” want or need; whereas, a person thinking of  someone who is complementary to them is thinking more in terms of  what “wE” can do for each other.

Always keep in mind that a successful relationship involves two entities, not just “I” or one. Instead of asking for or waiting for compliments, try asking yourself what you can bring to another person. When you have confidence in what you can bring to the table, you are able to expect more in return from others.